Don't ask. Don't tell. And don't, for goodness sake, let STUFF involve itself with a long run. Either commit or don't. Be all in, or be out. You can't fake a long, long run. You just can't. I found that out the hard way. My 2o miler ended up being a pitiful, horrible (yeah, you knew better, so deal with it and don't whine about it, it was your own fault) run. 20 turned into 15, and it was only that much because I was too damned stubborn to quit before that. Apparently, I will be walking most of the Bayshore course.
Sometimes I could just kick myself. I stack my failures up, and don't offset them with anything. I did see the SPCA walk for pets, which was cool, but I wasn't feeling it. Dodging dogs and walkers in myriad wasn't working for me, but I really appreciated the cause. Geez. Maybe next week will be better.
Appointment Guy said to fill up time with things that augment me. So, after the sucky long run, small people and I went on a picnic. Their choice. A picnic in the secret garden and play spot. They picnicked, ran about, explored and picked contraband flowers. I laid on our soft blanket and read. And napped. So tired, I was. Still, we successfully traversed the day.
Total: 15 miles
Total for week: 43 miles.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Blessings.
My hard stuff is hard. Yet, I don't want to compare it to anyone ease's hard stuff because I don't know what their hard stuff is. I haven't had a child die. I have not experienced any serious medical issue. I do not worry about my health, nor do I worry about my children's health. My parents are still alive. I am not bankrupt, and I am not unemployed. I am always on the edge of okay. Imagine, should you be old enough to remember vaudeville shows, the plate spinner. That is me. I spin plates. Children. Work. Home. Childcare. Meals. Church. Running. Children. Me. I keep all of them spinning, but all of the plates wobble. It takes all that I have to keep the plates spinning, to keep the balls in the air. I have me to depend on. I have no family here. I have me, only me.
Appointment Guy had me make a list of the people that I could call on for help; a list of people that I could depend on. The list was longer than I expected. Gosh. Who knew? I fail to recognize so many of the blessings in my life. (Right now, my daughter is puting lipgloss on me, and brushing my hair. She thinks I am beautiful. A blessing) I have people who are not related to me, but who may be there for me no matter what. It humbles me.
Friday I ran 4 miles on the treadmill. I ran inside because my allergies are killing me, and I had 20 to do on Saturday. I didn't want to be triggered more than necessary, but dang, those four mile were hard. Not running hard, just boring hard. I did them, tucked them under the belt.
Total: 4ish miles
Total for week: 28ish miles
Appointment Guy had me make a list of the people that I could call on for help; a list of people that I could depend on. The list was longer than I expected. Gosh. Who knew? I fail to recognize so many of the blessings in my life. (Right now, my daughter is puting lipgloss on me, and brushing my hair. She thinks I am beautiful. A blessing) I have people who are not related to me, but who may be there for me no matter what. It humbles me.
Friday I ran 4 miles on the treadmill. I ran inside because my allergies are killing me, and I had 20 to do on Saturday. I didn't want to be triggered more than necessary, but dang, those four mile were hard. Not running hard, just boring hard. I did them, tucked them under the belt.
Total: 4ish miles
Total for week: 28ish miles
Friday, April 16, 2010
Mother and Child
I haven't ever seen Mother and Child depicted in Tulip form. It was a sweet surprise and a gift to me during a time when all my surprises seem to be ugly and gifts are few. Something to relish and to cherish.
9 miles with 8x3/4 mile repeats on the treadmill yesterday. Legs weren't happy to be running, but they didn't complain enough to make me stop. I have 4-6 miles scheduled for today and another long 20 for Saturday. I am getting to the part of the schedule where the intensity starts to wear on me, but I will handle it. Every day is different, and according to Appointment Guy, my job is just to focus on the matters at hand of the day. I am supposed to be here, now. It is harder to do than I had expected, but I am working on it.
Miles: 9
Total Miles: 24
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Tuesday Eleven
April 13, 2010
11 miles, none of them special. My legs were tired. My heart rate climbed again -- I am beyond ready for allergy season to be over. I think that taking so much zyrtec makes me a little sluggish. And I surely am over having to talk little walk breaks during an 11 mile run. I should be well past that. Anyway, 11 miles that finally started feeling semi-decent along about mile 10.
Total: 11 miles
Total for week: 14 miles
11 miles, none of them special. My legs were tired. My heart rate climbed again -- I am beyond ready for allergy season to be over. I think that taking so much zyrtec makes me a little sluggish. And I surely am over having to talk little walk breaks during an 11 mile run. I should be well past that. Anyway, 11 miles that finally started feeling semi-decent along about mile 10.
Total: 11 miles
Total for week: 14 miles
Monday, April 12, 2010
Monday. Just Monday
You know, I am getting a little tired of being inundated with drahhhhma. There is way too much of it in my life, and it wears on me. My edges fray and my fabric loosens. Lately, the tethers that bind me to hearth and home and the vital part of everything are thinning. And so, I choose, I CHOOSE, to give to God today's teeming bowl of insults and upsets. God has to get this one, this day, for me, because I just can't. So God gets to handle today. I have faith that He will give today's drama back to me when my coping skills are back to firing on all cylinders.
I choose, instead to open a very, very lovely Chateau Meyney 1989 Bordeaux. Such a silken finish. A superb wine is a gift. A superb wine after today is a great, great gift. Oh my. This was a very good idea. Such a lovely finish. A nice way to end a day like today.
4 miles after work. I ran them because that is what the magic schedule dictates. And how can I possible argue with The Magic Schedule? (but they were easy miles, inside because I have 12 to run outside tomorrow and my allergies are still triggered) So, I have a fabulous glass of wine (which makes tomorrow or the next day look very promising), Lyle Lovett for my listening pleasure, and I don't have to get up until 7am. I'll take that.
Total: 4 miles
I choose, instead to open a very, very lovely Chateau Meyney 1989 Bordeaux. Such a silken finish. A superb wine is a gift. A superb wine after today is a great, great gift. Oh my. This was a very good idea. Such a lovely finish. A nice way to end a day like today.
4 miles after work. I ran them because that is what the magic schedule dictates. And how can I possible argue with The Magic Schedule? (but they were easy miles, inside because I have 12 to run outside tomorrow and my allergies are still triggered) So, I have a fabulous glass of wine (which makes tomorrow or the next day look very promising), Lyle Lovett for my listening pleasure, and I don't have to get up until 7am. I'll take that.
Total: 4 miles
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The First Twenty
I wish that I had one of those well-ordered lives. You know the kind -- no one is ever late for an appointment. No one misses a game or an event because of scheduling conflicts. Meals are on-time and healthy. Homework is never done at the last minute. Laundry and chores are completed in a timely manner, bedtimes are strictly adhered to, and Sunday School is well-attended. Heck, I am sure that sex is scheduled, too. Everything goes off like clockwork, without a hitch, every day.
This occurs to me because my life is pretty close to being the antithesis of that life. I am fairly organized in a lot of ways, simply because if I wasn't the wheels would fall off this train. But once you get away from the basic organization, man, there just ain't no tellin' what will happen. We plan in pencil, Chez Sarah. Yesterday, for example. We all got up on time, dressed and out the door on schedule. And by mid-morning, life at work was spinning out of control. 4 of 5 patients (and the families) had issues. And not minor issues, either. My preceptee and I just could not stay on task or stay on schedule. We were being pulled in so many directions that I am surprised neither of us lost a limb or at least a finger. It was bad enough that when Boarder Collie Surgeon (great guy -- look, a chicken!) showed up to check on my one patient who was behaving, I started talking fast and furiously, explaining the patient's condition and telling the doc what to do. He looked at me funny and said "Sarah, did you forget to take your ativan today or what? Lets just get the chart and you can tell me what to order". Doh! I don't usually get frazzled like that. Anyway, when the dust of the day settled, and I finally was on my way home, I realized that the Relay for Life thing that I had scheduled to do was out of my reach for the night. I was supposed to be there, was supposed to walk. But I wasn't and I didn't. I worried and fretted and waited for my mind to settle down, and when it did, I went to bed. You see, tomorrow's schedule included my first 20 mile run in 4 years.
The alarm went off at its appointed time. I dutifully sat up, turned the alarm off and went back to sleep, the rationale being that I had all day to run 20 miles, so why start now when I am still tired? The rational side of me knows better, and the rational side of me knows that I got lucky today. I intentionally went slowly and carefully, because, at 11:15 it was sunny, warm and windy. The run was fairly strong through the first 15 miles, but miles 16 - 18 were kind of ugly. I had to do some walking, but I kept moving. The last two miles were not as bad as they could have been, and actually, I had the legs to go farther, but only the fuel to gut out 20. All in all, this was a better long run than any of my previous ones. I was mentally tougher than previously, and that made a good bit of difference. 20 miles would have been easier with a running buddy, but I got through it by myself. It is fire season here, so dry and windy. I noticed that during my run, my shirt and shorts were barely wet, and by the end I looked like a powered sugar donut. I didn't smell like one, tho.
Total: 20 miles
Total for week: 44.5 miles
This occurs to me because my life is pretty close to being the antithesis of that life. I am fairly organized in a lot of ways, simply because if I wasn't the wheels would fall off this train. But once you get away from the basic organization, man, there just ain't no tellin' what will happen. We plan in pencil, Chez Sarah. Yesterday, for example. We all got up on time, dressed and out the door on schedule. And by mid-morning, life at work was spinning out of control. 4 of 5 patients (and the families) had issues. And not minor issues, either. My preceptee and I just could not stay on task or stay on schedule. We were being pulled in so many directions that I am surprised neither of us lost a limb or at least a finger. It was bad enough that when Boarder Collie Surgeon (great guy -- look, a chicken!) showed up to check on my one patient who was behaving, I started talking fast and furiously, explaining the patient's condition and telling the doc what to do. He looked at me funny and said "Sarah, did you forget to take your ativan today or what? Lets just get the chart and you can tell me what to order". Doh! I don't usually get frazzled like that. Anyway, when the dust of the day settled, and I finally was on my way home, I realized that the Relay for Life thing that I had scheduled to do was out of my reach for the night. I was supposed to be there, was supposed to walk. But I wasn't and I didn't. I worried and fretted and waited for my mind to settle down, and when it did, I went to bed. You see, tomorrow's schedule included my first 20 mile run in 4 years.
The alarm went off at its appointed time. I dutifully sat up, turned the alarm off and went back to sleep, the rationale being that I had all day to run 20 miles, so why start now when I am still tired? The rational side of me knows better, and the rational side of me knows that I got lucky today. I intentionally went slowly and carefully, because, at 11:15 it was sunny, warm and windy. The run was fairly strong through the first 15 miles, but miles 16 - 18 were kind of ugly. I had to do some walking, but I kept moving. The last two miles were not as bad as they could have been, and actually, I had the legs to go farther, but only the fuel to gut out 20. All in all, this was a better long run than any of my previous ones. I was mentally tougher than previously, and that made a good bit of difference. 20 miles would have been easier with a running buddy, but I got through it by myself. It is fire season here, so dry and windy. I noticed that during my run, my shirt and shorts were barely wet, and by the end I looked like a powered sugar donut. I didn't smell like one, tho.
Total: 20 miles
Total for week: 44.5 miles
Friday, April 9, 2010
Precepting New Nurses.
I am a preceptor at work. That means that I teach and guide nurses new to my hospital the ways of the hospital. It is something that I take seriously. I want the baby nurses to succeed. I want the "returning to work" nurses to succeed and feel accepted and comfortable, because those nurses have so many outside influences tugging on them. In some ways, it is easier to be a brand new minted nurse than one who has been out of the game for a few years. Experienced nurses can't claim "babyhood" anymore. They have to find the wheelhouse fast. And that is so hard to do. I have learned that I can't make it happen for anyone. I can want and pray and encourage and explain and hope and teach -- but I cannot force anyone into the comfortable place. They have to get there on their own. I am their hand to hold. I am their brain to access. I am their shoulder to lean on, and their person to ask for help. They all know this. But, ultimately, they have to stand on their own, almost from the start. That is what we require of the people who take care of our people. My new-back-to-work nurse is awesome. But she is scared. She used to be an ICU nurse in a small hospital. Now she is a floor nurse on a floor that takes patients WAY more critical than she was used to having. And now she has to care for five at a time. And she has had a lot of days like today. But that is how we are. Still, she has me, and I don't let my babies fail. I just don't.
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