Empty In Here.

The AC just kicked in. I can say this for certainty, because I heard it. The reason that I heard it is because I am home alone. Small People are with their father. College Boy is "visitin" a college-buddy. Soldier-son still isn't talking to me. And so I hear the AC kick in, because there isn't anyone else's noise to cover it up. I don't do very well alone. My whole life is an immersion in service to others. I am a mother, and a nurse. My "modus operandi" (please check the syntax and spelling) is to take care of people. Tonight and lately I am a caretaker without anyone to care for.

I ran today. 5 miles. Ran inside because I slept in until almost noon. The reason that I slept in was because I worked well past my shift and got to bed really late. But, I managed to run. And then I managed to ride. 16 miles, which would have and should have been longer and harder but I started too late because I worked too late and slept too long. I am getting the hang of riding. Well, not really. I am getting the hang of wiping my brow when there is much sweat, or glancing behind me for traffic. I am a rider who carries fear as her wingman. I am trying. Really trying. My feet feel better, and so I can run a bit more.

I'm trying to get ready for DWD. I don't want my team to be as slow as it was last year. I can't fix much about that, but I can fix my speed and fitness going into the race. And so I am trying.

I hate the quiet. I miss my little (and not so little) people. This is really hard. I think about College Boy, and his insouciant smile. About how he says "I love you, Mommy". And how he means it. I think about KT, and her freckles and her sweet, sweet self that will do whatever she can to win at all costs. She is like that. And B-Jill. My satellite. My auditory ambien. My personal glue-stick. All of them are gone. They will come back, I know. But for now.......