Appointment-Guy doesn't think that I am clinically depressed. Nope. He does not. I was working that angle trying to get some drugs. And I was doing that because I am not feeling better, even after the house closed. Even after the Judge ruled that yes, I was entitled to my nice check. And even after I deposited that check. I don't feel better. I feel....hollow. Empty. Not happy, not sad. Not hopeful. Just worn so thin that you can see through my soul. So I must be depressed, right? And if so, bring on the meds. Better living through chemistry, I say.

But no. Au contraire. I am not so much depressed as I am depleted. I have been my own little gusher of emotional giving for more years than I can count -- truly. Which, in and of itself is a good thing. The BAD thing is that for all those years of giving, I haven't, for one reason or the next, been able to put good stuff in the well. And now I am dry. I am sucking mud and trying to turn it into blue skies and lilies. I could keep it going when my feet were to the fire, but now they aren't anymore. Deepwater Horizon should consult me about how to completely shut down a well.

New marching orders. I will not precept any more new nurses. I love doing it, but precepting takes too much out of me, therefore now is not the time for me to do that job. I will not work overtime or extra shifts, unless it is to my personal advantage. I will go out to lunch with another adult every week. I will make time and make the effort to do things with other people. I will put myself first for a while. I will put myself first even before my children for a while (ok, how hard is that going to be??). I will do things that make ME happy for the sake of increasing my happiness. I will be cognizant of the need to fill my cistern so that I can again give to all the people I love to help.

Most interesting, and haunting. Appointment-Guy pointed out to me that after I left the devil, I probably thought that I would emerge with a life. Afterall, I had one in Raleigh. A fun group of friends who went places together. I had a fairly active social life, and a small close circle of friends. In FL, not so much. Abuse and DV limits interactions with others. So when I left, I had people to help me, but not many friends. And then I went to work, and was frantic for so long...not so conducive to cultivating friendships. Appointment-Guy said when I left, I found that all I was was alive, when I expected to have a life. They are different things. So Job 1 is to start making a life for myself. I started today. I skipped my 5 mile run in order to have enough time to go to the Tampa Aquarium with a newish friend and all of our kids. We had a wonderful time. Big people got to sit and chat at the splash pad while small people played. I feel guilty about skipping the run, but I think I chose wisely. I may not have put much into my well, but I didn't feel the blanket of fatigue at the end of the day, either.