March 19, 2010
I spent yesterday in court. I don't think that I can even count anymore how many days I have spent in court. And I am a nurse, not a lawyer. For a while, it seemed like I was there on a monthly basis. I have been separated
since 2006. I have been divorced since July 2008. And still I have to go to court. And still I have to face the monster.
When I am in court, I don't face him alone. I have my lawyer, the one to whom I have paid from a nurse's salary a year's gross pay. I have the judge, who hates the monster, but who lets him ramble. And I have three bailiffs. One for the judge, one for me, and one to guard the monster. I never leave the court room alone. And by now, when there is a hearing, a bailiff is present when I walk off of the elevator. Everyone in the room is concerned for me.
I spent yesterday in court. I don't think that I can even count anymore how many days I have spent in court. And I am a nurse, not a lawyer. For a while, it seemed like I was there on a monthly basis. I have been separated
since 2006. I have been divorced since July 2008. And still I have to go to court. And still I have to face the monster.
When I am in court, I don't face him alone. I have my lawyer, the one to whom I have paid from a nurse's salary a year's gross pay. I have the judge, who hates the monster, but who lets him ramble. And I have three bailiffs. One for the judge, one for me, and one to guard the monster. I never leave the court room alone. And by now, when there is a hearing, a bailiff is present when I walk off of the elevator. Everyone in the room is concerned for me.
I have a domestic violence injunction in place. It is, I believe, permanent. That part is unusual, but it is necessary. However, I am not stupid enough to believe that an injunction, a piece of paper, will keep me safe. I am contemplating buying a gun. Those who really know me would be utterly shocked by that, but, it is what it is. I am almost four years separated. Two years divorced. He has a new wife, a new baby and one one the way. But the vitriol still simmers. As one of my people, RuFuS, says, my ex is winding twine rapidly around his big ball of crazy. It frightens me. It is so disturbing to watch someone come completely unmoored. He is psychologically in the equivalent of 3rd degree heart block. Things are beating, but there ain't no communication there between reality and his mind. I live with this all the time. When he finally becomes totally untethered, who will be the first victim? Hopefully, it will be me, because I will be prepared. But I expect that the first victims will be my small people, who have already had to cope with things that small people should never know about. It destroys me, knowing this. But I have to be ready. I have to anticipate what might happen. I am a single mother. No one gets my back. I have to be able to face the monster. And win.
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