Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I think I need a safe place to talk

Yesterday was simply horrendous. Something in me just snapped from all the stresses that I have been dealing with lately. And from that snapped open place came such maliciousness, such jealousy, such just pure ugliness that I am wondering who the hell I really am. I did something horrible to hurt someone with the absolute intent of hurting them. Me. I did that. Me. I didn't think that I had a mean bone in my body, but apparently I do. It is humiliating. Of course, I apologized and offered to make things right, but the damage was done. I, Sarah, simply don't do that kind of thing. I remember the one and only time I said something ugly to a stranger. I was a teenager. I remember the look on her face when I said it. And it still bothers me, 30 years later. When the Ex hurt me, I ran away and hid. When the relationship that I thought was truly right for me ended, I licked my wounds and tried to be nice. I don't say mean things to people. I am unfailingly nice to grocery store clerks, gas station people, and sanitation workers. I talk to my neighbors. I call people "Dear" and "Darlin' ". I can't explain what happened to me yesterday. Everyone at work from doctors to housekeepers (or almost everyone, because you just never know) likes me. And I like them. I am sweet and kind to my co-workers. I am an ultimate team-player. I help when I don't have time to help.

But yesterday, I was the mean-assed bitch from hell who intentionally did something really terrible to hurt someone who had hurt me. I retaliated. All of that goes against who I thought I was. Perhaps I am not that person after all. Perhaps I still am, because the guilt I feel is beyond any guilty feeling I have ever known. I feel shame. I feel petty, and I feel small. And when I called to apologize, I got forgiven, not abused. It made my soul just shrivel. I deserved the worst, but I didn't receive it.

So, I made an appointment to talk to someone. Because I can see that for the last 4 years, I have been driving hell-bent for forever, trying to make it out of the abyss and haven't dealt with all the stuff that I have had to absorb. I slap tar over the wounds and just keep moving forward. I think that is why I cracked. I think the tar finally just didn't hold. But, I think I need to share the stuff that I can't even share here with someone. Which is why I have an appointment. Me, opening up to someone. Don't put your winter coats away just yet. Hell may be freezing over soon.

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